ALPHA DOM AND HIS HUMAN SURROGATE

"Sign here, here, and here. Congratulations, Ms. Navarro, in approximately nine months, you'll be a mother."

I sign without hesitating.

That's the thing about decisions you've made a thousand times in your head before you actually make them. By the time the pen hits paper, your hand doesn't shake. Your eyes don't water. You just sign, cap the pen, and slide the clipboard back across the desk like you're approving a lease renewal and not the most terrifying thing you've ever chosen to do.

"Thank you," I say.

Dr. Maddox smiles at me the way doctors smile when they're relieved a patient isn't crying. I've been that patient before. Not today.

Today I am completely fine.

I've been completely fine for eleven days, ever since I found the texts on Marco's phone while he was in the shower. His contact name for her was "Gia work" like I wouldn't recognize Gia Ferrante's number, my supposed best friend, a woman I'd known since college. Two years of messages. I'd stood in our bathroom holding his phone while the shower ran and read enough to understand exactly what I was looking at, and then I'd set the phone face-down on the counter and gone back to bed.

I had an appointment to keep. Falling apart had to wait.

It still does.

"We'll call you with your monitoring schedule," the receptionist says as I pass the front desk. She's young, enthusiastic, the kind of person who hasn't yet learned that good news and bad news can arrive in the same envelope. "Fingers crossed for you!"

"Thanks," I say. "I'll take all the crossed fingers I can get."

I mean it more than she knows.

The train home smells like coffee and someone's leftover lunch, and I stand the whole ride because the seats are full and I don't mind standing. I'm used to it. I've been standing on my own since I was nineteen, the year my mother died and left me a small apartment, a stack of bills, and the particular kind of loneliness that comes from losing the one person who thought you were exceptional just for existing.

I got over it. You do.

I became a nurse. I worked nights. I saved money with the focused intensity of someone who understands that safety is something you build yourself because no one else is going to build it for you. And then Marco walked into my life and for four years I let myself believe in the shared version of things. The joint account. The future. The family we kept saying we'd start when the time was right.

The time was right eight months ago. That's when we started the fertility process. That's when I learned my window was closing faster than I'd expected, and we sat in a consultation room not unlike the one I just left and the doctor laid it out clearly: sooner rather than later.

Marco proposed three weeks after that appointment. I thought it was because of the diagnosis. I thought he was stepping up.

I was wrong about a lot of things.

The train lurches to my stop and I get off, and I walk the four blocks to my apartment building with my hands in my coat pockets and my face tipped down against the cold. I don't let myself think about him. Thinking about him is a door I can open later, when I have the bandwidth for what's behind it.

Right now I have one thought and one thought only.

It worked. It has to have worked.

Please let it have worked.

Petra calls at seven-thirty, right when I'm heating up soup I don't particularly want.

"Well?" she says, before I even get a greeting out.

"Well, what?"

"Ella."

"It's done. The procedure went fine."

A sound comes through the phone that I can only describe as a controlled explosion. "I can't believe you did it. I can't believe you actually did it. My baby sister is going to be a mother."

"I'm two years younger than you, Petra, not twelve."

"You're my baby sister until I'm dead. How do you feel? Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?"

I look at the soup. I look at my apartment, which is small and exactly the way I like it, every object where I put it, no one else's clutter on my counters anymore. Marco moved out six days ago. He doesn't know why, exactly. I told him I needed space. I told him the appointment had me in my head. I told him a lot of careful, temporary lies because I needed him gone before today and I needed today to go exactly as planned, and both of those things happened, so I am currently winning.

"I'm fine," I tell Petra.

"You always say that."

"Because I'm always fine."

She exhales. She knows me too well to believe me and loves me too much to push right now. "Call me if you need anything. I mean it. Two in the morning, I don't care."

"I know," I say. "Thank you."

After I hang up I eat the soup standing at the counter, because the table feels too big for one person and I haven't figured out how to feel about that yet. The apartment is quiet in the specific way that empty spaces are quiet when they used to hold someone else's noise. I wash the bowl. I dry it. I put it away.

Then I press one hand flat against my stomach, just for a second, just because I can't help it.

"Okay," I say quietly, to the nothing that might already be something. "It's just us. I know that's not the plan we started with. But I'm going to be really good at this. I promise."

I go to bed believing it.

Two days later, the clinic calls.

Not the monitoring nurse. Not the receptionist with the enthusiastic smile. Dr. Maddox himself, which is the first sign that something is wrong, because doctors don't make follow-up calls. They have people for that.

"Ms. Navarro." His voice is careful in the way that voices are careful when someone has been practicing what to say. "I need to ask you to come in. Today, if possible. There's something we need to discuss in person."

My hand tightens on the phone. "Is the pregnancy compromised?"

"No. Nothing like that. The procedure itself was successful. This is umm … it's a separate matter. An administrative matter that requires your immediate attention."

Administrative.

I know, in the way that you sometimes know things before you have any logical reason to know them, that whatever is waiting for me in that office is not small. I schedule the appointment for two o'clock, hang up, and stand in the middle of my kitchen for a long moment while the word *administrative* bounces around my skull like something with sharp edges.

Then I put on my coat and go.

Dr. Maddox looks terrible. He's pale under the fluorescent light of his office, and he can't quite hold eye contact, and I understand before he opens his mouth that this is bad.

"Ms. Navarro, I want to begin by saying that what I'm about to tell you is something this clinic takes with the utmost seriousness, and we are fully prepared to discuss all available options for resolution and compensation—"

"Dr. Maddox." I keep my voice flat. Not willing to let anyone see the fear in me. "Tell me what happened."

He tells me.

A labeling error. Cryogenic storage. The sample I received was not the donor I selected. They discovered it during a routine internal audit. They don't yet know how it occurred. They are deeply, profoundly sorry.

I sit across from him and I don't move and I don't speak and somewhere behind my sternum something very large and very cold begins to press against the inside of my ribs.

"Whose sample was it?" I ask.

He hesitates.

The door behind me opens.

I turn.

The man in the doorway is tall enough that he has to angle his shoulders slightly to clear the frame. Dark hair, dark eyes, a jaw that looks like it was made to be set hard, which is exactly what it's doing right now. He's wearing a charcoal suit that costs more than my monthly rent and he's looking at me the way I look at critical patients, assessing everything at once. I'm not meant to be checking him out or assessing him but it's just something that comes naturally with looking at him. 

He doesn't introduce himself. He doesn't have to. Something about the way he stands makes introductions feel redundant, like asking the ocean what it is.

"Ms. Navarro," Dr. Maddox says, his voice fraying at the edges. "This is Dominic Sinclair."

The man's eyes don't leave mine.

And underneath the shock, underneath the cold spreading through my chest, something else moves, something I have no name for, something that has nothing to do with logic or fear or any feeling I've ever had in a doctor's office before.

It feels, impossibly, like recognition.