LOGINCHAPTER TWO
POV: Zara She heard him before she saw him. The kitchen. Early. The sound of a pan hitting the stove and then his voice, low and rough the way it always was before he’d fully woken up, humming something she didn’t recognize. Zara lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and did not move. Outside the window, the world had disappeared. Completely. Overnight the snow had swallowed everything, the yard, the fence, the road, the neighbor’s red car that was usually visible from her window. Gone. Just white, unbroken and deep and still falling. Her phone had one bar. She’d already tried Ryan. Straight to voicemail. Marcus’s text from last night sat at the top of her screen. Roads are closed, stuck at Dad’s, don’t burn the house down, back as soon as I can. Followed by three laughing emojis like this was funny. This was not funny. She sat up. Pulled her hair into something that wasn’t quite a bun. Looked down at what she was wearing, oversized sleep shirt, no bra, shorts that barely qualified as shorts, and made the executive decision that it didn’t matter because this was her brother’s house and she wasn’t trying to impress anyone. She was not trying to impress anyone. She pulled on a hoodie. Went downstairs. He was standing at the stove in grey sweatpants and no shirt. Of course he was. Zara stopped in the doorway. Took a quiet breath. Kept her face neutral through what she considered an Olympic level effort. His back was to her. Wide shoulders, the kind of build that came from actually using your body, not just performing fitness. There was a tattoo she’d never seen before curling up from his left shoulder blade, dark ink, something geometric, something that looked unfinished like a sentence without its ending. Must be a new tattoo. She looked away. Looked back. Looked away again. “You going to stand there or you want coffee?” he said without turning around. “How did you know I was there?” “You breathe loud when you’re trying to be quiet.” She walked in. “I do not.” “You do.” He poured coffee into a mug and set it on the counter beside him. An offering. “Marcus called the house phone. Roads are closed through Sunday minimum. Storm’s still coming down.” “I know. I saw.” “Camille can’t get here. Train’s cancelled.” He said it evenly. No emotion in it. She looked at his face for something, disappointment, frustration, annoyance, and found nothing. “Ryan too,” she said. He nodded. Turned back to the stove. She picked up the coffee and it was made exactly how she liked it, not too strong, one sugar, and she stopped. Stared at it. “How do you know how I take my coffee?” A pause. The faintest thing. “I’ve had breakfast with your family for ten years, Zara.” Right. Obviously. That was a completely normal thing to know about a person you’d been around for a decade. She was being strange. She needed to stop being strange. She sat at the kitchen island and wrapped both hands around the mug and watched the snow outside the window because that was safer than watching him. He made eggs. She made toast because she needed something to do with her hands. They ate at the kitchen table like two adults who were completely comfortable with the situation and not at all vibrating with something unnamed. “We should check the pipes,” he said. “If it drops below minus ten the back ones freeze.” “I know. Marcus showed me where the shut off is.” “I’ll do it.” “I can do it.” He looked at her. “I didn’t say you couldn’t.” She looked back. “You implied.” “Zara.” The way he said her name was quiet and a little tired and somehow worse than if he’d said it any other way. “I’ll check the pipes. You can come if you want. I’m not trying to have a disagreement before nine in the morning.” She almost smiled. Almost. “Fine,” she said. They checked the pipes. Both of them, bundled up, wading through knee high snow in the backyard while the wind cut sideways and the cold was the kind that got inside your teeth. She slipped on the back step and his hand caught her elbow, automatic, fast, and gone again in a second. But she felt it for an hour after. Back inside, wet and freezing, she changed into dry clothes and came back down to find he’d lit the fireplace and put on something quiet on the speaker and was sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, legs stretched out, reading a book. Just. Reading a book. Like they were roommates. Like this was ordinary. She sat on the couch above him because the armchair felt too deliberate, too much like she was choosing distance, and she picked up her own book and they sat there in silence for a while and it was fine. It was more than fine. It was the most comfortable she’d felt all morning and that terrified her. “Can I ask you something?” she said. He didn’t look up. “Depends.” “How long have you and Camille been together?” A beat. He turned a page. “Two years.” “Are you happy?” That made him look up. His eyes were dark brown, almost black in the firelight, and they settled on her with a weight she wasn’t ready for. “Why are you asking me that?” “I’m just talking. We’re snowed in, I’m making conversation.” He held her gaze for one second too long. “Are you happy? With Ryan?” The fire crackled. Snow tapped lightly against the window like it was asking to come in. “Yes,” she said. He nodded slowly. Looked back at his book. “Good,” he said. And somehow, impossibly, that single word landed in her chest like something that wasn’t good at all. That night she lay in bed listening to the house settle and the snow fall and somewhere down the hall, the sound of him moving around in the guest room. A drawer opening. Closing. Silence. She pressed her face into her pillow. He’s your brother’s best friend. He has a girlfriend. You have a boyfriend. This is nothing. You are nothing. Go to sleep. She almost managed it. Then her phone buzzed. A text from an unknown number, short and strange. Does Marcus know how you look at Damon? She sat straight up in the dark. Stared at the screen. No name. No contact. Just those eleven words sitting there glowing in the dark of her bedroom like a lit fuse. Her hands were shaking. Who is this? she typed back. The message showed delivered. No reply came.CHAPTER SIXTY POV: Damon He’d had it for three months. He hadn’t told anyone. Not Zara. Not Marcus. Not Isla or Leila or anyone at the table. He’d sat with it the way he sat with things — turning it over, understanding what it was, deciding what it required of him before he asked anyone else to hold it. The solicitor had sent it in August. A letter of apology attached. An administrative error. The provision had been for Sandy’s eighteenth birthday — a date nine years away — and it had been released early. A filing error. New staff. The letter explained it three times in three different ways, each more apologetic than the last. He’d read the apology. He’d put it aside. He’d looked at the envelope underneath. For Isla Sandra Reid. To be opened on her eighteenth birthday. Gerald Osei’s handwriting. He’d held it for a long time. He hadn’t opened it. He’d almost opened it twice. The first time on the day it arrived. He’d held it and thought about what was in it and then put
CHAPTER FIFTY NINE POV: Sandy She turned eight on a Thursday. She’d chosen Thursday specifically. Not because her birthday fell on a Thursday — it fell on a Saturday — but because she’d asked if she could have the dinner on Thursday instead and when her parents had asked why she’d said because Thursday was already the day for important things and she didn’t see why her birthday should be different. They’d said yes. They usually said yes to things that had a clear rationale. The Thursday call with Isla that week was different. Isla was coming to the birthday dinner. She and Leila were coming from Glasgow. But the Thursday call happened anyway because it was Thursday and the call was the call. “Eight,” Isla said. “Yes,” Sandy said. “How does it feel,” Isla said. Sandy thought about it. “Like seven but with more room in it,” she said. Isla was quiet for a moment. “That’s—” she started. “I know,” Sandy said. “Seven was full,” Isla said. “Yes,” Sandy said. “A lot happened
CHAPTER FIFTY EIGHTPOV: MarcusSix months.Six months of Sundays.Six months of Catherine at the table learning what the table was. Not being told — she’d been told before she came the first time and she’d understood before she sat down. Learning in the other way. The accumulative way. The way you learned things that mattered by being present for them over time.She’d been present.Every Sunday.Without fail.She brought something different every time. Not always food — sometimes a specific tea she’d found. A book she thought Zara would like. A wooden thing for Marcus James that had arrived in a bag with no ceremony and which he had assessed for three minutes and then accepted into the rotation of wooden things with the expression.The rosemary was still on the windowsill.Had been there six months.The kitchen smelled like something was about to happen.Always.She was not like anyone he’d been with before.He’d been with people. Not many — he hadn’t been a person who moved through
CHAPTER FIFTY SEVENPOV: SandyShe noticed on Wednesday.Marcus came for dinner on Wednesdays sometimes. Not always. When he came on Wednesdays it was usually because something was happening that he was processing through proximity and food. He didn’t say what the something was. He just appeared and ate and talked about things adjacent to the something and eventually went home.She’d been watching this pattern since she was old enough to watch patterns.Wednesday this week he came and he was different.Not obviously different. Her parents didn’t notice. Marcus James was two and a half and was at the stage of noticing things at three in the morning and not noticing things that were in front of him, so he didn’t notice.But Sandy noticed.She noticed because Marcus was slightly too loud. Marcus was always loud but this was the performative loud of someone who was managing something rather than the natural loud of someone simply being themselves.She noticed because he kept checking his
CHAPTER FIFTY SIXPOV: ZaraThey found it in May.Not dramatically. Not the way houses appeared in films — the door opening and the light and the knowing immediately. It took six weeks of looking and seven viewings and two near-misses and one house they’d almost convinced themselves into before Sandy had stood in the kitchen and said no with the considered expression and they’d both known she was right.The seventh one.Semi-detached. A quiet street in Hackney. A garden that needed work. A kitchen that was larger than Marcus’s by exactly enough. A room for Sandy with a south-facing window. A room for Marcus James with a north-facing window that got the specific grey morning light he’d been assessed at. A room that could be an office. A room that could be other things.A dining room with space for a bigger table.They walked through it twice on the day.Sandy was last to come downstairs.She’d been upstairs for seven minutes.She appeared at the bottom of the stairs.Looked at them.“Y
CHAPTER FIFTY FIVEPOV: MarcusHe’d known for two months.Not because they’d told him. Because he paid attention and because some things announced themselves before anyone said them out loud. The way Zara had been looking at the house lately — the specific look of someone measuring something. The way Damon had been quiet in a different register than his usual quiet. The way Sandy had started keeping her drawings in stacks instead of spreading them across the table because there was no longer enough table for the spreading.He’d known.He’d been waiting for them to tell him.He’d been cooking for two months while knowing.Sunday.After dinner.Zara’s face when she looked at him said now.He put the kettle on.Made tea.Brought it to the table.Sat.Looked at them.“Tell me,” he said.Zara looked at Damon.Damon looked at Marcus.“We’ve been thinking about moving,” Zara said.Marcus looked at his tea.He’d rehearsed this moment.Not dramatically. Just, he’d thought about what he’d say.
CHAPTER FORTY POV: Zara She came home on a Tuesday. 5 weeks in NICU. 5 weeks of monitors and nurses and the specific vocabulary of a unit that existed to bridge the gap between too early and ready. 5 weeks of Damon at 3AM in the morning talking to an incubator. 5 weeks of Marcus bringing food ev
CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHTPOV: DamonThey moved in on a Saturday in August.Not dramatically. They didn’t have enough between them to make it dramatic, Zara’s books and her specific tea and the reading glasses and too many jumpers. His books and his work things and Sandra’s box which he carried himself
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR POV: Damon Edinburgh in May was different. He’d been twice now. January in the hospice and April briefly to collect the box. Both times the city had been grey and cold and carrying the specific weight of what he’d come to do in it. May was different. The sun was actual sun.
CHAPTER THIRTY THREE POV: Zara The faded envelope trembled in Zara’s hands like a live wire. Mum’s handwriting…. elegant even in sickness, spilled across the page, detailing debts, favors, and how Damon’s family had leaned on theirs for years. The words blurred through fresh tears as the wind off







