Mag-log inHe comes home at a normal hour on a Tuesday and the normalcy of it is so disorienting that I look up from the laptop in shock.5:43 PM.The door is opening at a time when doors are supposed to open, the keys landing on the counter in the spot where keys are supposed to land, his jacket hung on the hook instead of thrown over a chair because he’s not rushing. He’s not checking his phone or mentally partitioning the next forty minutes into blocks that belong to other people. He’s just HOME, in the kitchen, at a human hour, walking past my chair toward the fridge with the unhurried stride of a man who has an evening ahead of him instead of a schedule.I grab his waistband as he passes.My fingers hook into the fabric before my brain has formed a plan, the wanting arriving in my hand before it arrives in my head, because I haven’t touched him without a clock running in weeks and his body is RIGHT HERE moving past me at a pace that doesn’t require efficiency. The proximity of him combined
The apartment has been empty for three days. It’s settled into the furniture and the walls. The hum of the refrigerator is louder than it has any right to be, and the clock above the stove is ticking with the authority of an appliance that knows it’s the only thing in the room still performing its function.Five-day road trip. West coast swing. And the schedule that was already partitioned into blocks that belonged to other people has now been physically removed from the same time zone. Which means the twenty-minute windows that used to produce rushed counter sex and stolen garlic bread have been replaced by phone calls that happen at 11 PM his time when his voice sounds like it’s been dragged across gravel and his brain is operating at approximately thirty percent capacity.I call him from the bed at eleven because eleven is the window we agreed on and the agreement is the only structure holding the distance together.“Hey.” His voice is somewhere between exhaustion and unconsciousne
He has twenty minutes between practice and a media call, which means by the time he walks through the door with his hair still damp and his practice jersey clinging to his chest – in the way that makes the fabric look like it’s been painted onto his body rather than pulled over it – we have approximately eighteen minutes.Two minutes will be spent on him finding his keys because he never puts them in the same place twice, which leaves sixteen, and I need at least four of those to feel like a person afterward instead of a pit stop, which leaves twelve, and twelve minutes is what we have.I’m at the counter when he comes in.He crosses the kitchen with the long, ground-eating stride that he uses between shifts on the ice, then his hands find my waist from behind and his mouth finds the spot below my ear that makes my knees soften.I’m turning into him before my brain has processed that he’s home because my body operates on a different network than my brain and the body’s network has bet
The blog post takes me forty minutes to write, which is the first sign that something is wrong because the filthiest posts I've written took much less. All the posts poured out of me at 2 AM like the words had been sitting in my chest with their bags packed, just waiting for my fingers to open the door, and I’ve never in my life spent forty minutes arranging sentences into a shape that says nothing while appearing to say everything.I read it back and the words on the screen sound like a press release dressed in a sundress.“Grateful for this season of growth and the incredible support system that makes it all possible.”I wrote that.Those words came out of my fingers and onto the page and I published them with a caption that includes a heart emoji and a prayer-hands emoji.The post is about Rhys’s foundation work, but it doesn’t mention Deshawn by name or the stick against the boards or the kid’s hands or any of the details that would make it real. Real details are specific and iden
The photo finds me at 7 AM on a Wednesday while sitting in bed with coffee in one hand and my phone propped against my knee as I scroll through the morning’s Instagram notifications on autopilot.Rhys is in a tuxedo that I’ve never seen because I wasn’t at the fitting and I wasn’t at the gala, so I had no know he now owned a tuxedo that fits like it was assembled on his body by someone who understood the architecture of his shoulders with the same intimacy I do.Sasha is beside him in emerald green, her hand resting on his forearm in the casual, photogenic way that publicists train their clients to touch – contact without grip, proximity without possession, the visual language of two people who might be something or might be nothing, ambiguity as the product they're selling.They’re not touching in any way that means anything. I know this because I know his body and the way he holds himself when he’s attracted to someone. His posture in this photo is upright and professional and polit
A few days later, we're at the restaurant Victoria chose, which is the kind of place where the menus don’t have prices and the lighting is calibrated to make everyone look slightly more important than they actually are.I sit across from Sasha Volkov in a booth that smells like truffle oil and fresh bread and try to locate the hatred I prepared on the drive over.I can’t find it.The woman is five-ten with cheekbones that could cut glass and the kind of effortless posture that comes from either a decade of ballet or a genetic lottery that the rest of us lost at conception.She’s wearing a white t-shirt tucked into high-waisted jeans with a blazer thrown over it in a way that looks like she didn’t try, which means she tried very hard, and I know this because I also tried very hard to look like I wasn’t trying.Rhys is beside me with his hand on my thigh under the table and his jaw set in the polite, rigid line he uses for business functions. Sasha’s publicist, a man named Brian who spe







