LOGINWednesday practice did not start well.
This was my fault, which I'm noting upfront so nobody thinks I'm about to blame someone else for something that was objectively my fault. I set two alarms the night before five AM and five-fifteen, the backup system I'd been using since freshman year of high school and somehow, in the specific insanity of Tuesday night, I forgot that I'd silenced my phone during a film review session and never unsilenced it.
I woke up at six oh seven.
Practice started at six.
I'm going to skip over the next eleven minutes because they were not my finest and I'd like to preserve some dignity here. What I will say is that I made it to the rink by six eighteen with my recorder, my notebook, my jacket on correctly, and my hair in a ponytail that was doing its best under the circumstances. I pushed through the rink doors with the energy of someone arriving casually, not someone who had jogged the last four blocks in twenty-two degree weather.
The cold hit me like a wall.
The team was already deep into a full speed drill, end to end, the kind of skating that makes a specific sound against the ice, sharp and rhythmic, like a metronome with urgency. I found a spot at the glass and pulled out my notebook and tried to look like I'd been there for a while.
"You're late."
I turned. Declan was at the boards two feet to my right, water bottle in hand, catching a break between rotations. His hair was damp and his cheeks were flushed from skating and he was looking at me with an expression of pure calm amusement, which told me he'd clocked my arrival approximately four seconds after it happened.
"Observational journalism doesn't have a start time," I said.
"It has your start time," he said. "Which you sent me in an email. Six AM."
"I'm here."
"You're here at six eighteen."
"Journalism started at six," I said. "I was observing the exterior of the building."
He looked at me.
"Architecturally interesting," I said.
He pressed his lips together and skated back out before the smile could finish forming. I watched him rejoin the drill and did not think about how it was extremely unfair that he could go from standing still to full speed in about two seconds, like a switch getting flipped, like effort and the appearance of effort were completely different things and he'd figured out how to separate them.
I opened my notebook. I wrote: arrived at 6:18. Team mid drill. Energy level: high.
Then I watched.
I had been to figure skating practices every day for fourteen years, which meant I understood ice in a way that most people didn't, the way a blade reads the surface, the difference between someone skating correctly and someone skating naturally. Most people, watching a hockey practice, just see speed and chaos and a lot of stopping-and-starting that doesn't seem to have a pattern.
It has a pattern. I could see it.
And Declan Mercer was, I wrote this down because it was observationally accurate and completely relevant to the profile piece, always exactly where the puck was going to be before it got there. Not sometimes. Every time. Like he was reading something everyone else was a sentence behind on.
His coach, Briggs, a compact man in a Harlow windbreaker who communicated primarily through a whistle and extremely specific hand gestures, stopped the drill once to demonstrate something about positioning. He pointed at where two players were standing and then gestured at a spot on the ice three feet over. The players moved. Briggs pointed again. Both players looked uncertain.
Declan skated over and stood in the correct spot without being directed to.
Briggs pointed at him. He skated away.
I wrote: knows where to be before being told. Possibly psychic.
At seven, Briggs blew the final whistle and the team shifted into a cooldown lap around the ice. Some players headed for the boards. A few stayed to shoot. I was writing up my observational notes, which were more detailed than Hendricks probably required and less objective than journalism school technically recommended, when someone materialized beside me.
Not Declan.
"I didn't choose it," Camille said. "Yuen assigned pairs alphabetically. Kowalski, Camille. Kowalski, Ryan." She paused. "I've considered legally changing my name.""To what?" Sofía said.Camille thought about it. "Something starting with Z," she said. "Put myself at the opposite end."I looked at her, at the precise wrapper folding and the flat delivery and the careful, observant quality that reminded me, at an angle, of someone else. The kind of person who noticed things from a distance and processed them privately and only reported them when they'd confirmed the pattern."You should sit with us more," I said.She looked at me."If you want," I said. "The chair wobbles but the corner is good."She looked at the wobble with the expression of a person who had already clocked it twenty minutes ago and made peace with it."Okay," she said. "Thank you."Sofía looked at me with the specific satisfaction she reserved for things she had engineered to appear spontaneous.I made a note to ask
He was at the center of the ice, hands in his jacket pockets, looking at me with the open expression I'd catalogued across five weeks of early mornings and terrible coffee and conversations that kept going somewhere I hadn't planned for."The moment where you commit and it's not undoable anymore," he said. "That's not only a Lutz problem."I held my skate bag."I know," I said.He nodded once. He turned back to the ice.I walked out into the corridor and stood in the cold for a long moment with my heart doing something I had absolutely no structured routine for, and I thought about the essay, and the jump, and the very specific courage required to leave the ice before you know how the landing goes.I thought about what it meant to commit to something undoable.I thought about how I was writing an essay about coming back and I hadn't yet fully considered the question underneath that one.Coming back to what, exactly.I walked home in the February dark and didn't have an answer.But for
Declan stopped just inside the entrance."Hey oh." He had his skates over one shoulder and a coffee in each hand and the expression of someone who has walked into a room and immediately understood they've walked into something. "Practice ended early," he said. "I thought you'd be""I'm just finishing up," I said.He looked at me. Then on the ice. Then back at me."You okay?" he said."Fine," I said.He walked to the boards and set both coffees down on the ledge. He didn't say anything else. He sat on the bench and started lacing his skates, slowly, with the patience of someone who had nowhere particular to be and was not going to perform urgency to fill silence.I skated to the boards and picked up one of the coffees. Terrible vending machine. I didn't ask how he knew I'd want it. He didn't explain."The Lutz?" he said, without looking up from his laces.I wrapped both hands around the cup. "Entry work," I said. "Not the jump.""But you pulled out.""Three times."He finished lacing. H
I have a pre competition routine that has not changed since I was fifteen.The night before anything important, a competition, a significant practice run, a session where I'm attempting something I haven't fully landed yet, I do the same things in the same order. I lay out my training clothes. I review the program in my head from start to finish without skipping the hard parts. I make chamomile tea that I don't actually like but that my first coach swore by, and I drink it sitting on the floor of wherever I'm living because I started doing it on the floor of my childhood bedroom and the floor part stuck.It's not superstition. It's architecture. The routine builds a container for the nerves so they have somewhere to live that isn't my body.I was sitting on the floor of my dorm room at ten PM on Wednesday with my chamomile tea and my program notes when Bria came in from the library, dropped her bag, looked at me, and said: "Floor night.""Thursday's a big practice," I said."The Lutz?
She was tall, with the posture of someone who had been told they had good posture so often it had become load bearing, and dark red hair pulled over one shoulder. She had a press lanyard around her neck with a Harlow Athletics credential, a recorder in her hand, and the specific ease of someone who belonged everywhere they went and had never had reason to doubt it."Hi," she said, extending her hand. "Petra Voss. Senior thesis, sports journalism. I'm covering the hockey program this season."I shook her hand. "Zara Torres.""I know," she said. "Declan mentioned you."I kept my face neutral. It was a skill. "Did he?""Said you were the journalist who got reassigned off his profile." She tilted her head. "Unfortunate timing on that. The media policy thing came from above. Briggs ' new assistant coach has strong feelings about press access apparently." She glanced at the ice, where said assistant coach, Ashford, was now standing near the boards reviewing something on a clipboard. "Anyway
The thing about sharing ice with a hockey team is that it requires a level of diplomatic patience I was not issued at birth.I have tried to explain this to Bria, my roommate, who is a swimmer and therefore operates in her own lane literally and has never once had to negotiate rink time with seventeen men who treat every surface they occupy as something they conquered rather than borrowed. Bria's response was to make tea and say "that sounds really hard" in the voice she uses when she's listening but also reading something on her phone.My point stands regardless.Tuesday morning was our overlap day. The figure skating team had the ice from five to six thirty. Hockey had it from six thirty to eight. The agreement, such as it was, lived in a shared athletics calendar that both programs theoretically respected and practically treated as a loose suggestion when it suited them.Today it suited them to arrive at six twenty.I was in the middle of my step sequence the section of my program







