Semua Bab Finding Us: Bab 41 - Bab 48

It's easier said than done: forgiving oneself, that is. Because when the time comes, the internal struggle makes those words sound so stupid.When the Head-pastor asked me if I could forgive myself, I hesitated. And when I finally replied, I told him maybe. That I wasn't sure. Why? Because it was when he asked if I could forgive myself that I realized just as Eric was wrong for having sex with me, I'm also wrong for letting him. Eric didn't rape me. I've been so angry at him that I didn't think to ask myself who gave him the green light.No one can disrespect you if you don't give them a reason to. I motivated Eric to do what he did. I'm the reason I was used that way. “Achoo!” I shiver on my bed as my mom touches my forehead. “I don't think this is only catarrh,” she says. “It seems like malaria.”“Malaria ke?” I ask. “How come?”

Staring at my mirror makes me realize how much weight I've put on. Although it's not impossible to have added this much weight. If I wasn't munching on a snack I bought, I was either rummaging the fridge for something to throw into my mouth or checking the cupboard for something to cook — that is if there's no already-cooked food at home.I notice how flabby my stomach is and try to tuck it in. This makes it difficult for me to breathe, so I heave out a sigh.“Don't worry; before two weeks, I'll lose all of these,” I tell myself with a grin.After closing my Bible, I pen the last question I have and then shut my journal. Before I left home, the Head-pastor and I talked about a few specific things I could do when less busy. These things are habits that are very necessary to aid my growth into a better person. These include reading my Bible and journaling my thoughts and findings: at the end of the week, I d

Annie and I throw ourselves at Amanda when she arrives at the door, almost making her fall back as she laughs.“You people should not kill me o,” she says before we pull away.“I was already planning how I'll come to your house and beat you up if you don't show today,” Annie says, and Amanda chuckles.Just then, Amanda's parents arrive at the stairs with the rest of her bags.“Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma,” Annie and I greet as we hurry over to help them.“God bless you, my children,” Amanda's dad says as they leave the bags for us.We take Amanda's bags to her room and come out to meet her parents — since she said they had something to say to us.“First of all, I want to thank you two for what you're doing for our daughter,” Amanda's dad says. “As a parent, I'm ashamed that I can't even provide for my own child and have to depend on you two.” His eyes water,

Amanda's birthday is only two days away, and Annie and I want to surprise her. We told the guys, who are in on the plan, and so have been on a hush-hush around her. Although I suspect that Amanda knows we're up to something, Annie says I'm being paranoid.“What do you think Amanda would like as a present?” Dare asks as we enter the gift shop.“I don't really know,” I reply. “If you asked me what Annie likes, I'll tell you it's a headband straightaway. That, and lots of chocolate. But with Amanda, you can never really tell. She doesn't obsess over anything the way I obsess over music and Annie over novels. She's always this meh,” — I shrug — “kind of girl.”He exhales loudly. “That's the same problem I'm having. It's like she's hard to impress.”“Yeah.” We find some beautiful gift wrappings and balloons that we buy.Luckily, Amanda's birthday is on a Sunday (which is in two day