All Chapters of I Am Mustafin: Chapter 31 - Chapter 40

140 Chapters

| 31 | A Fragile Promise

For someone who feels shame as acutely as I do, this may very well be the worst thing that could have happened to me. I made a fool of myself, and now I can't bring myself to look Efrem in the eye.The events of that day, a month ago, play on an endless loop in my mind.Despite the devastation I felt after experiencing only the second panic attack in my life, I wasn't locked in a cell. Instead, Efrem carried me to my bedroom and locked it from the outside.But even if I'd had a choice, I doubt I would have left it.I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to be spoken to.Tavin brought me three meals a day until my punishment ended and I was allowed out again. Then, even when I wanted to stay in my room, I had to go downstairs if I wanted to eat. Thankfully, I never ran into Efrem. I assumed he was too busy to leave his office—a small mercy I was grateful for.My anxiety has been at an all-time high, but the edibles in my nightstand rem

| 32 | Illusion of Control

I rest my elbows on my knees, chin in hands, watching Isaak come through the front door with Bolt and Mayhem on leashes. From my perch atop the staircase, the main entrance hall seems a world away—a distance I'm grateful for.This is the first time I've seen the pair of pitbulls since the night I tried to escape through my bedroom window. And a question nags at me:Where do they keep them?I've yet to learn which is which, but in my mind, I've named the white one with beautiful hazel eyes Bolt, and the gray one with icy blue eyes Mayhem. It seems fitting.How can such beautiful animals be trained to be so dangerous?“Don't worry,” Tavin's voice echoes from behind me. “Efrem made sure they're familiar with your scent.”I turn my head, glancing up at him. He's leaning against the wall, arms crossed, legs casually crossed at the ankles.“They won't hurt you,” he reassures me, his expression softening.This is the first time he's spoken to me since that day—the day he and Matvey dragged m

| 33 | A Calculated Power Play

I'm speechless.The woman staring back at me in the mirror is a stranger. Classic acrylic white French tips make my hands unrecognizable, and the lovely fragrance behind my ears seems to overpower my natural scent entirely. Between the makeup highlighting my features and the beautiful baby blue dress hugging my waist, I almost forget who I am.Almost.The 1-inch scarred "X" on my chest is an indelible reminder of what I am.Nonetheless, I can't deny that I look beautiful. I felt uneasy when Efrem walked into my bedroom this morning, introducing the team that would transform me into this… vision.Miss Dorothy really outdid herself...It's a nice touch—the off-the-shoulder sleeves made of the same blue tulle and lace that cascades from the end of the floral lace bodice. There's a sense of rightness creeping into my chest, a feeling of belonging, as if I was born to wear this dress.The sound

| 34 | Under His Watch

With a glass of wine in my hand, I watch the crowd as they dance and laugh in joy of each other's company.It makes me bitter—I envy them.Just as I predicted, it's as if I'm the greatest piece of art at the museum. Amid a sea of curious and disapproving glances, I stand as the party's entertainment. Occasionally, a pair of individuals come near me to 'get a better look' of what may be the only Subject X they ever knowingly share a room with. And with Matvey and Tavin at a distance, there's no one stopping them from dismissing any respect for personal space, touching my hair or the "X" marked on my chest in fascination."I can't say I was ever a fan, but Sophia loves Ciana," I overhear Christana tell Amara and Nana as they stand on the other side of the round table with wine glasses, across from me. They eye Sophia and Ciana, who haven't looked anywhere else but at me.Could they be more subtle?With their occasional giggles and spiteful gazes, it doesn't take a genius to know that th

| 35 | Dangerous Accusations

After last night’s debacle, I’d have given anything to avoid leaving my room today. Unfortunately, last night doesn’t count as one of the two days the Ringleaders and their wives intend to be here.Thankfully, the subject of the events that transpired no more than twelve hours ago have been avoided thus far as I sit with Nana, Christana, Sophia, and Amara in the living room. A large pitcher of eggnog and a can of whipped cream rest on the coffee table before us. I sit on one of the couches with my knees bent into my chest, sipping the sweet alcoholic beverage from a mug nestled between my thighs and belly.Much like the last time I spent the day with them, I only speak when spoken to. However, unlike before, I’m almost entirely absent-minded.I feel numb, exhausted, and overexerted.While I slept just fine, one night isn’t enough to emotionally, mentally, or even physically recover from last night’s ordeal. The bruise on my cheek aches occasionally, and unwelcome memories creep into m

| 36 | A Shadow of Doubt

I never imagined I’d be this nervous, sitting at the dining table waiting for Deonta’e.As Efrem promised, it’ll be just the two of us—Tavin is standing on the other side of the closed door.My hands hug the coffee cup in front of me as I occasionally glance at the door, impatiently waiting for my guest to join me. I wonder what he’ll be like. I’ve only had the opportunity to speak with him in a room full of people, and I can’t help but wonder if he’ll treat me differently when we’re alone.Relax... Efrem wouldn’t let you meet with him alone if he wasn’t sure you’d be safe.My heart skips a beat when the door finally swings open and an awfully calm Deonta’e emerges. My eyes roam over him as he moves to sit across from me, studying the barely noticeable bruise on his clean-shaven jaw.“Good morning, Alaki,” he greets me kindly, offering a warm smile as he scoots his chair in.I force a small smile in return before responding, “Good morning, Master Deonta’e.”He chuckles lightly, dismis

| 37 | Worth Dying For

My gaze is fixated on the clock on my nightstand as it reads ′12:30AM’, a soft sigh escaping my lips as it flickers, another minute passing.I’m comfortable under the comforter of my bed, my feet warm in fuzzy socks. It’s the perfect recipe for a good night’s sleep, yet I find myself tossing and turning again for the fifth night in a row.It’s not that I’m not content with the comfort of my bed or that I’m not exhausted. It’s that I haven’t been able to get past the things that happened nearly a week ago. Most of all, I haven’t been able to put Amara’s words out of my head.I’m frustrated, and I’m tired.I’m frustrated because despite knowing more than I did when I first arrived here, I still feel so in the dark and blind. I’m frustrated because deep down, the things weighing heavy in my mind keep piling up and they won’t stop.And I’m tired because of me.I am tired of me.There are moments when I’m grateful for all that I have. There are moments when I realize that I’m not as unluck

| 38 | My Confession

It was a test, and I failed miserably.It was no coincidence that he opened the safe that day before my own eyes, just as it was no coincidence that when I opened my bedroom door twenty minutes ago, Matvey was ′asleep’. And, it surely was no coincidence that I found the doors to his office unlocked.How could I have been so naive?My mouth has gone dry, my hands trembling as I flip the book shut and place it back inside the file that I pulled it from. Reluctantly, I rise from where I sit, my eyes fixed on the files that I stack together in the same order that I pulled them from.With Efrem scrutinizing my every move, I take the heavy stack in my hands and walk back to the monitor where my shaky hand enters the combination and opens the safe. I hold my breath, placing the files back into the cubbyhole and tapping it shut.My soft voice quavers as I ask, “What happens now?”“What do you think happens now?” His voice is hard, my heart skipping a beat at the sound of him cocking his gun.

| 39 | The Morning After

Is it possible to become an entirely different person overnight?Logically, I know I’m not different—not as different as I feel, anyway.I never got the chance to think about what I’d do today. Last night, all I could think about was uncovering the truth, then dying, then... well, everything else that happened. The next hour will be a journey—a journey to figuring out what the hell I’m going to do or say to him.My head rests on Efrem’s muscular shoulder, the man responsible for my revelation. Carefully, I tilt my head back to look at his face.His eyes are closed.His head is turned to the side, one arm bent over his relaxed abdomen, the other behind me. My elbow just barely touches his fingertips, my arm resting on top of him, my hand on his chest.He’s asleep.My heart softens, my eyes taking in his peaceful features.He looks so... vulnerable.I’ve watched people sleep before. Not in a creepy way, but in an ′I’ve got your back′ way. This is different. I’m mesmerized by him, seeing

| 40 | Moment of Clarity

Today is the day.Today is the anniversary of my birth. Today is the anniversary of my parents’ death. Today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life.My breath fogs the cold window as I rest my head against it. Wrapped in a warm blanket, a pillow at my back, I curl up on the library’s window seat. For once, I’ve managed to convince Tavin not to hover, granting me solitude. In this rare moment of peace, I’ve chosen a book, turned off the lights, and let the muted light from the cloudy sky illuminate the pages.A soft sigh escapes my lips as I glance down at the book on my lap. My finger traces the letters that read ′Book of Law’—this year’s edition. I’ve learned that a new one is printed annually, and Efrem possesses a copy of every single one, dating back to the very first one.I’ve spent the better part of my morning poring over laws concerning all matters of the “X race”. It’s almost comical—only once in ten pages does it refer to us as the “X race”. Everywhere else, we’re Su

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