Jingle Bells Spoof Novels & Stories

Maybe if he can’t see me, he’ll go away. “Danielle?” His voice comes from above me. I’ve never wished for a cream pie more than I do right now. I’d stick my face in it and pop up, speaking with an accent Mrs. Doubtfire style. I don’t have a pie, but I can still pretend I don’t know him…right? “I’m sorry,” I say with the worst British accent in the world as I stand up. “I think you’re mistaking me for someone else.” Logan, who’s at the other side of the bar, looks up. “What the hell?” he mouths, and I only respond by wrinkling my nose.

“Dring …. Dring…. Dring” Ben’s phone rang. Ben looked at the clock and showing a gesture to be silent he picked up the phone. Ed mimed him to put the phone on speaker. Ben put the phone on speaker and muted the line. Tael’s laughter came from the other end. “Hur … hur… hur… everyone seems to be in good spirits. Of course it’s my department that’s under scrutiny, so why wouldn’t you all be?? Hur…hur…hur…” Tael walked in mocking his colleagues and sat in his usual spot.

I placed the small box I’d brought on the edge of her bed, then reached into the oversized front pocket of my bunny costume and pulled out a tiny speaker. “Alright! Today’s a happy day, and we’re doing the Bunny Man’s signature dance to our happy song!” She tilted her head, curiosity flickering in her eyes. I took a deep breath and hit play. The familiar, overly cheerful kid’s tune filled the room, and I began to move, left, right, left, right, just like the twins had shown me. “Left, right, left—no, wait, that’s my right—” I muttered under my breath, trying to keep up with the rhythm. The bunny head wobbled dangerously, and every movement made me sweat even more.

That was when Sunny came up to me, whispering into my ear, "Here comes the prank!" Even as my mind went blank, he pulled out a remote and pressed a button, and everyone's heads jerked around as a recording of Andy's voice boomed. "I feel like I could get sick everytime I see Jane's face! She's actually eating leftovers out of a chute!" "I wouldn't even date her, if I didn't have to get Mandy's favorite crystal shoes with this prank." "Someone like her is fated to be a garbage picker. And she wants to marry me? Dream on!"

She chuckled. A smile form on my lips, so my stupid son wasn't lying, oh my, I could already hear church bells and see little children running in my house.

I murmured to myself, my anticipation buzzed to see their confused faces as sparkles showered over them—it wasn't every day you got to glitter-bomb a bunch of uptight bloodsuckers. From the bathroom fortress, Linda's voice crackled through the phone. "Stephi, tell me you're seeing this!" A vampire who staggered into a pile of marbles, cartwheeling like a deflated balloon, had me silently convulsing with laughter. "Oh, I see it," I answered, trying to keep my voice even. "Looks like my Home Alone-themed defenses were more effective than your skepticism predicted."

Buckley objected as the phone in question began ringing. There was no way that JD was going to tell his friends that his sister had changed her ringtone to Whip It by Devo. He didn’t need to think about the argument that his sister, stepsister and sister-in-law had about who got to have the song. And he certainly didn’t want to think about the discussion that the four men had about the women. And their love of whips. “Fucking, A!” Holmes threw a pillow down onto the bunk below him. JD grabbed his phone and tossed the pillow back up to Holmes. “Jolene, what the fuck? Why are you calling so damn early?”

she asked. "Well, Felix," I guessed. "Outside of Felix. Think broader," she countered. I massaged my temples, trying to get my brain to work properly. "El Lobo? The people buying us? The men—" Ginger quickly interjected, "Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner." She mimicked the sound of a bell as she knocked on the iron bars beside her. "All men are terrible," she muttered with a disgruntled tone.