LOGINI'm seated on one of the benches outside. The day is nice and cool, and that's all that matters. I try my very best to not focus on Archie that is not too far from me, playing basketball. The sweat on his skin against the sun gives it a golden cast. He looks so good.
I look back at my book trying to hide the blush on my face. I blame the sun for making my face red. Archie looks at me, then his game, then back at me. I can see the lingering gaze. Almost like he wants to speak to me. Probably to tell me to stay away from him. “And what are you doing here?." I turn my head to the voice and my heart beats so fast. It's Anderson - no, Ander. I get up ready to leave, but he grabs my shoulders, positioning me in place. I try my very best not to focus on the fact that his hands are on me. Anything but that. Like the birds in the sky, or the trees or Archie's abs. My face reddens even deeper. “I'm reading. I have an assignment I'm doing research on so I ca-" “Well, I didn't ask you.“ Ander let's go of me and goes to sit beside me. We're both staring at Archer who's staring right back at us. I can see the look he's directing to Ander. I don't know what it means, but I know it means something. I don't ask though I'm very curious. “My mother was sent back to the asylum." Ander starts speaking when I'm sure we're going to sit in silence. “Her clinical depression. I guess drinking and pills don't really do it." “I'm sorry." It's too late for me to realize that's a wrong choice of words because he cracks a wicked smile. I've seen it too many times, I know what it means. “So you do know what you did was wrong. That's why you're apologizing? Get up let's go." “Where? I have another class so I can't go far." Ander turns to me and takes a handful of my hair. No, he doesn't grab it, he gently massages it. Archie's always told me my hair is soft. “Remember Andrez. Vicky or whatever the fuck you call yourself, when I ask you for your opinion, you render it. Shut up otherwise." My mouth shuts immediately. His hand is in my hair for a few more seconds before letting it go. Ander has always been a passionate person. Whatever he did radiated that passion. I can see it now as he's looking at me. He's always looked at me like I'm the most precious thing in the world. I nod. “I'm sorry." And like a switch was flipped, the look is gone. He smiles at me and mouths, “Good boy." I smile too, my sole reason being because he started it first. "Okay, let's go.“ I shove my books in my bag and let Ander lead me. We don't get far because someone is calling after him. We turn and I see Archie running towards us. His hair and clothes are going along with the wind as he runs. I see why he's the star student. Hot and charismatic really does it for some people. And I'm proud to be some people. "Where are you taking him?“ He asks, reaching us, not even out of breath. I know I would've passed out if I was asked to cover his distance in the time he did. I'm in the middle of the siblings just like before. Ander looks at his brother annoyed. "Learn a thing of two about minding your business Archer. Weren't you playing with your friends?“ Ander pulls me ready to leave, but Archie holds my other hand. "Where are you even going Andrez?," I want to answer the question but Archie turns his gaze away from me and back to his brother. “Does he even know where his going? What do you think your plan is?“ Ander smirks. "What do you think my plan is? You know, I'm not in the mood for you right now, just stop getting involved. Being nosy doesn't fit you.“ Archie looks at me, then whispers something into his brother's ear. I'm too short to hear them. Either that or Archie is a good whisperer. Ander looks at me too, then lets go of my hand. My book bag falls to the ground, and like an idiot under scrutiny, I pick it. "Go to your class. My brother and I have something we're going to discuss,” Archie says. I can see said brother doesn't want to have the conversation. I nod and walk away, still feeling the Matheos brothers eyes on me. My class doesn't start for another 44 minutes, so there's more lounging around to to do. I contemplate going back to my room, but once I go back, I'm not coming out. I decide to get a drink and sit under one of their indoor umbrellas. It's dumb to have umbrellas indoors, but I'm not the one making profit off the aesthetic. My mind is buried deep into my jeans collection, that I don't hear the person sitting opposite me until they are tapping me. I raise my head, horrendously embarrassed. It's Timothy, not smiling at me. I've noticed he's not really expressive with his face. Either a stiff smile or a poker face. No in-between. “Hey." He slides a box of doughnuts my way. I pick the one it rainbow sprinkles and thank him. “You know the Matheos duo?" He asks. Unlike others who asked me out of jealousy, he sounded terrified. I shrug. "Something like that. It's not like we're close or anything.“ There's relief on his face. I open my mouth to ask why but he's talking again. "It's good. Let it be like that. They're not nice people. I don't even know who's worse. Archer or Anderson.“ I'm quiet. There isn't anything my brain has given me to say. It's quiet too. This information Timothy is giving me isn't news. I know, but, there's no way for me to respond to him. I don't have to because Aubrey, Charis and Zee spot us and holler at us. It's unnecessary because they still come to us. "You will never believe what happened to me today,” Aubrey says, not even answering mine and Timothy's greetings. “I'm pretty sure it's believable. Try us," Zee responds. Aubrey shots him a glare but then rolls her eyes. “Well, I just got informed that the film department will be in collaboration with the journalism students. We're doing some stuff blah blah blah. But guess who's the leader of their team. Anderson Matheos." She's squealing after saying this. Only Zee gives her the reaction that matches her energy. Charis gasps, Timothy is indifferent. My mind is racing because that means I get to see more of Ander. “10 volunteers were needed, but don't worry, I've already signed us up. Timothy, Vicky and me. Yay." I'm smiling now. That's actually good news. The others dive into conversations but I'm very comfortable buried nose deep in my phone. It isn't until my alarm goes that I remember there are humans here with me. “What's the alarm for?," it's Charis that's asking. “We have a class now. Mr. Dreiser's class. I don't want to be late." Aubrey grabs her bag. “Oh my god yes, how could I have forgotten? Let's go together then. Timothy? Get up let's go." She's able to pull 1 able bodied guy, and me all the way to our lecture hall. As we're passing, I turn my head and see Archie and Ander. Archie turns to me first, then Ander. I'm flustered to I turn back. Grateful I did because I almost bumped into a pillar. We run inside the class just before the evil wizard comes inside and locks his doors.I wake up not dreading the day because Ander is by my side. I turn, moving closer to him and inhaling more of his scent. It's so intoxicating, it does nothing to help my morning wood. I can't do anything about it though because since I agreed to be his friend, Ander hasn't made a move on me sexually. Yes we cuddle and feed each other and can't get enough of the other's presence, but nothing sexual. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. Ander shifts in the bed too, turns to face me but isn't awake. I stare at his peaceful face. He never looks like this when he's awake, always has his face scrunched up like an unlubed butt plug was shoved in his ass for too long. I'm tempted to push the curls off his face and I do. Passing my fingers through in a faux attempt to untangle the strands. As much as I hate to admit it, Ander is the reason I'm on this bed right now. If not for him, I probably would be a rotting corpse in the bathtub. Sometimes I consider telling him this truth
If anybody were to call me a crazy person, I wouldn't fight them. Instead, I'd give them a trophy for telling the truth. I am a crazy person, and this realization is driving me even crazier. Why am I crazy? I'm crazy because I'm parked in the driveway of my girlfriend's house. Evana was the 3rd year film student I spilled my drink on when I was drunk off my ass at a party. Unlike the expected reaction, she apologized to me instead and sat with me till I sobered up. She's funny and interesting but I never liked her romantically. I still don't, but somehow it feels like there's this pressure on my shoulders to be perfect. I see Ander with his mood swings and tantrums — things that make him the dysfunctional person he is. But I can't be like that. I'm to be the better son. And the better son likes women. Evana comes out of the house in her usual clothing. A cottage skirt, shirt just a size smaller than hers and loafers. She's modest yet incredibly sexy and I should feel something for
I'm pacing the driveway, my fingernail in my mouth. I don't know, or rather, I know. Heck, what am I even saying?I stare at the keys in my hand. I want to go, but I shouldn't. He hates me, and I don't blame him. But I need to see him. It's an urge so strong my hair is standing like I've been electrocuted. Archer asked me where I was headed this morning and I told him to go fuck himself. His brows creased, not very glad my response was crude. But, it's not my fault. It's one of those days I can't get a single thought in my head. It's hyper fixating on Vicky. My brain that is. And no matter what I do, I can't get it to stop. It's like I'm buzzing so much I'm vibrating. "Are you alright?" My brother yells from the balcony. My balcony. My safe haven. I flip him off and gain enough motivation to get on my bike. I don't drive like a mad man like I normally do. Maybe if I drive slowly, by the time I get there, Vicky would've left for classes and I won't have to face him. Archer's apart
It's yet again the same routine. Wake up, lie in bed till my intestines threaten to rip into pieces then go downstairs. Archer has been feeding me, yes. But sometimes I just can't keep the food in. Last night was one of those times. I puked so much, it took my lungs a whooping 45 minutes to recover. And I tried taking a little whiskey to help with the nausea, but the ass wouldn't let me touch anything. I don't know why he bothers or why it bothers me. I always ask myself questions. Does he care? But I know he doesn't. It's so I'll keep his secret. Today's meal is the leftover pizza from last night. There's 3 slices on a plate, a fruit bowl and yoghurt waiting for my consumption. "There's no need. This isn't a very wise bribe." Archer doesn't answer me, but continues staring at the pizza in the microwave. I shrug and eat. My stomach twists, surprised by the intruders, but I force it down my throat. I felt like I was going to die last night. And honestly, I really don't like that fe
Oh my goodness. I'm awake again. It's not a good thing to dread it, but I do. I wake up starving and run to the kitchen for anything edible or closely related to food. Archer has had groceries sent to me twice so far, so there's a decent amount of ingredients to choose from. I snack on the unopened tube of Pringles before making a cereal then an omelette then some toast. I may be eating a lot, but don't look it. I'm still skinny and maybe even paler than I was before. Checking my class schedule, I have 3 classes today, the first one starting in about an hour. I could skip, like I've been skipping but it's about time I go back to living a normal life. Nothing about the last few months have been normal, and I'm trying to end the trend of crazy. I take a relaxing shower and apply my makeup. It's minimal, just to hide the eye bags and my droopy cheeks. After one last fit check, I leave. My taxi is waiting for me right on time but I get to the class a little late. The professor allows
I would've stayed asleep longer, but the growling coming from stomach or the gnawing of my intestines steal the sleep from my eyes. I roll around a couple times, and search on the nightstand for anything edible I might've left on it. There's nothing there. Few days ago, I googled why I didn't have an appetite. It was concluded — by website links that had already turned purple — to be anorexia. The only problem with believing that, is that I'm not actually anorexic, or I don't think I am. I would say I don't have a distorted body image, but I don't think i have an image at all. I've sort of been living in this bubble for a while now. A bubble where I exist and don't at the same time. A therapist would have answers to all this shit, I just need to get one first. I drag myself up, and to the bathroom. While on the toilet seat, I stare at the mirror staring at me. I'm speechless. That isn't me, is what I would've said if I didn't know it was me. Sunken cheekbones, hollow eyes, scars ev
I'm very okay staying in my room and counting the many things I hate about myself. There's a knock on the door and more than anything, I wish it isn't Ander. It has come to my notice that I can't go anywhere near him without a raging boner. It's embarrassing and inconvenient. "Come in." My voice s
I'm actually surprised there's a lot of work to be done on our news project. It's not a film, but according to Aubrey, it has to be perfect. Not many people are needed on set compared to last time, so we're fewer and I'm idle. Finally, Ander's report is good enough for them. "That should do it. I'
I run after Ander as he pulls Vicky away. They're about to get on his bike, but I grab Vicky. My brother turns ready to swing another punch. I'm barely able to block it."Stop hitting me! I'm older than you." My throat is heavy, like there's vomit lodged in there. I swallow and try to grab Vicky ag
Everyone has gotten out to get food. I'm laying on the couch scrolling through my Pinterest. I'm bored out of my mind and it's not an exaggeration. Ria is busy on some paper with Johnny so we can't talk. The door opens, but there's no smell of junk food and an increased cholesterol. "Hey," I turn







