Chaos and Composure

Bella

“Are you okay, ma’am?”

I opened my eyes to find the nurse by my side—I was back to reality.

“Where's my father?” I asked cautiously. My breath caught in my throat, and I felt the sting of fear cut deep as I got up from the bed.

“You have to rest, you just fainted,” she added. I didn't care about how I was doing. I wanted to know where my father was.

“Where's my father?” I asked again, this time with a cold tone. The nurse was petrified, I sounded like I was going to explode.

“Room 306,” she replied with a stern tone. I walked out and I realized the room I was in was opposite his room. The nurse followed me into the room.

There, his body was laid and covered from his head to his toes. I walked closer and I opened the cloth and it was him. He was lifeless.

“Father!” I growled in tears as my wobbly knees sank on the floor.

“Father! Father, please!” I wailed, and I got a sharp tingling in my chest.

I stumped back to the wall beside his deathbed, burying my face in my hands.

No, my father can't be dead. I wanted to be strong, and I wanted to hold back the tears, but I failed.

“What happened, Father? This was not the plan. You were hale and hearty so how did this happen?” fof tears flooded down my cheeks.

“Your father left this for you. It's a handwritten journal.” The nurse uttered softly. I turned to get the book while sniffing. The nurse left after she handed the journal to me and shut the door.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, and I was so sure she didn't hear me.

I quickly opened the journal and I found a piece of pepper with a handwritten note.

My Dearest Daughter,

If you're seeing this by now, I'm already gone. I fought a good silent fight, and I'm sorry. I tried to hold up till you could come home, but you didn't. Things got worse and it got me here. I've been dealing with cancer for almost a year now.

I paused and cried hard, so hard that it felt like my eyes were going to bulge out and my head was going to explode.

I tried my best to be the best father, but life is always filled with surprises. I didn't have any courage to break the news of having cancer to you. I tried to live, and fought till now. I'm very sorry. I didn't want to bother you more with the problems that I have caused. I love you, and I will always do. I'll always remain your hero.

Your Father…

I burst out in tears, staring at my father's corpse.

“Why did you choose to make me with such guilt? " Why did you decide to hurt me this way?” I growled, pulling the sheets on his corpse to my red face.

I cried for hours. I got to the hospital in the morning and when I was done with emptying my tank, it was dark outside.

I was filled with regret and pain that I ignored all the signs that something was wrong. Starting from when he cut his hair, because he found a bald spot, to when he changed his diet and resigned from work.

“Damn, father! I feel so alone in this world.” I whispered helplessly.

I had the courage to check the other part of the journal and I realized he started writing it when he found out he had cancer.

I was probably a terrible daughter. The book also had some important information that would help me find some things and how to finish paying up the loan. I always felt like he was lazy after he resigned, but I had no idea my father was dealing with a terminal disease all by himself.

Cancer? All the money he had was properly spent on chemotherapy. My heart ripped off knowing that.

I was able to step out of the room, and I left the hospital after signing the necessary documents. I had to get the death certificate, so I'll start prepping for the funeral.

I didn't know how to get myself to get through all of it, but I knew my tears and pain couldn't fade my reality.

My phone continued beeping, and it pulled me back to reality.

“Bella! I have been trying to reach out to you for days now!” Valerie wailed angrily. We have been best friends for a long time, but I wish she could just be there for me.

Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I gasped from my empty tommy.

“I've lost him,” I muttered painfully, and she ended the call.

I battled with a lot of thoughts about how I was going to start clearing the loans. I immediately made plans for a quick funeral. I wanted to be done and finally face the bigger problems I had on my table.

While I sat in the corridor of the morgue, I saw Valerie running towards me. I sprang up immediately and ran towards her.

“Valerie! Everything is so disheveled, just like my life,” I sobbed bitterly. She hugged me tightly without saying a word.

After the eclipse of emotions had ended, she took me for a cup of coffee. She said nothing, and even though I expected her to, I loved how she gave me some quiet time. I couldn't love myself in the dark, especially how crazy life happened to me. Everything was sour, and it was a black Wednesday for me.

It was the longest day and night of my life, because it was my father's funeral the next day. I slept with tears hovering over my eyes and I woke up with a soaked pillow.

“I'm deeply sorry for your loss, my love,” Valeria muttered softly, and I rested my head on her shoulder, whimpering.

“I'm sorry, father. I have been very selfish all my life with you. I feel so guilty. I'm so-so sorry!” I cried, dropping the flowers on his grave.

Valeria gave me some time alone by my father's grave. It was of no use, because after I lost him, I felt so alone in this world.

After the funeral, I returned home. Silence never sounded so loud in my ears—I was traumatized. I gathered my father's belongings and placed them properly. I had to comfort myself and move ahead with how I was going to pay for the loans.

Hours turned into days, days into weeks, and yet there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I was a proud, and sexy event planner, but now my aura on my socials were gone. I had no gigs, and no upcoming payments yet the loans kept choking me.

I lived two weeks of my life with regrets.

After a moment of truth, I realized that my life wasn't going to get any better if I didn't pick myself up. Valerie called earlier saying she was coming over, and that was enough to put myself together. I didn't want to become a burden to my best friend.

“Are you still feeling moody?” Valerie asked with a diffident expression.

“I can't be moody when you're here,” I looked away, faking a smile. I saw how happy she was, and I was ready to lock in.

I sat on the dining table, putting away the documents I had to go through. My mind was double faced because I couldn't stop remembering that night.

Valerie smiled at me while scuffing a chair closer to the dining table where I sat. Her hands were hidden behind her back. She caught my attention.

I was curious, “ What's that? You are making me think a lot.” I felt the tingling warmth on my limbs as Valerie’s eyes glowed slowly.

“Guess what?” She asked with a reddened face. Before I could give an answer, she jumped up from her seat.

“I'm engaged to my CEO boss, Bella! I said yes!” She hollered, stretching her hands with the ring on it while hopping on her toes in excitement.

I was supposed to be happy. I mean, I was happy, but there was no content in this happiness.

“Congratulations!” My breaths hitched as I hugged her.

My best friend was getting married to her lover who she worked for as well.