Funny Vampire Lines Novels & Stories

After chasing my crush, Edward Lightwood, for ten years, he finally accepted me as his blood bound. But, the day we were taking our eternal vow, his first love, Beth, from the allied clan was murdered by a gang of vampire hunters. He blamed me for her loss and tormented me every day. Exposed me to the eternal sun, pierced me with wooden stakes just not enough to kill me and then locked me up in his basement. Exhausted and heartbroken, I grabbed the oak stake and stabbed my chest in front of him. I killed myself. But, I did not die. I was reborn to the day I had confessed my feelings to Edward. But, this time, I'll not repeat my mistake. I'll stay far away from him.

My sister and I slept for a thousand years. Tonight, we would Awaken. We would become true High-Bloods. Our Sire, Countess Lylandra, brought us two men. We had to choose a Blood Thrall. A cold, celibate priest. A young, harmless noble prince. In my past life, Lilith grabbed the prince by the neck and vanished into the shadows. She left me with the cold-hearted priest. The prince's blood was sweet, his soul pure. He was supposed to be the perfect sacrifice for the Awakening ritual. Lilith should have become a High-Blood without any trouble. But she fell for the prince's sweet words and gentle lies. She poured her ancient power into him. She forged a false blood bond to help him seize the throne. On his coronation day, he plunged a dagger dipped in blessed silver into her heart. With his own hands, he carved out her new Blood Core. He offered it to his werewolf allies. Lilith nearly turned to dust. And me? The priest helped me purify my blood. I broke the vampire curse. I no longer feared the sun or blessed silver. I became the legendary Daywalker Queen. Jealousy drove her mad. She used her last drop of power to unleash a kin-curse. It killed us both. Then I opened my eyes. I was back. Back to the night we chose our Blood Thralls. This time, Lilith chose differently. She wrapped herself around the priest, a vision of seduction. Her blood-red wings spread, ready to carry him away. My fangs slid from my gums. A choice? Why should I have to choose? The priest and the prince... Both are mine for the taking.

The blood-infused elixir I crafted won the top honor at the Nocturne's Gala, but my adopted sister stole it and claimed the credit. She thought she'd won glory, not realizing it was a vampire betrothal contract to the Prince Kaelan—rumored to be impotent, barbaric, and monstrous. When the proposal arrived, my archmage fiancé, to "protect" her, hastily bound himself to her with a blood-mark and took her to his bed. She returned, the fresh mark on her neck a badge of triumph. "Sister, your man is mine now. You turn twenty-five in three days. If no one claims you, the Matchmaking Registry will toss you to some aging, wife-beating rogue mercenary..." She was wrong. I always had a choice. I walked to my parents, who were scrambling to clean up her mess, and declared calmly. "If she refuses to marry Kaelan Nocturne, then I will."

So there I was, stuck in this dark Victorian mansion for a whole freaking century, thinking I'd never get out. Then, out of nowhere, these two gorgeous girls swoop in and rescue me! I couldn't believe it, and we instantly hit it off. They showed me a whole new world I'd only ever imagined, and I was all about living a normal human life.   But just when I thought things were looking up, this vampire named Vivaldi pops up out of thin air, grinning like a possessed Jack-o'-lantern. I mean, a name like Vivaldi is bound to give you the creeps, right? He claimed I had some ancient first blood running through my veins and demanded that I sign some crazy blood contract with him—the kind of deal that comes with some seriously freaky consequences.   Vivaldi was trying to sell me the idea that this blood contract was his only lifeline, the only way to save his skin from something worse than death. But I wasn't some clueless newborn vamp; I knew better than to just dive into something as serious as a blood contract. Those things come with some heavy consequences, and I wasn't about to sign up for that without a second thought.   The problem was, if I didn't go along with his messed-up plan, he promised to make my friends' lives a living hell—the very people I'd started to care about. I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. If I decided to team up with Vivaldi, I'd be keeping him around, which is far from ideal. But if I refused, my friends and the whole town of Shadowvale would be in serious danger.    It felt like I was caught in this impossible situation, like I was trying to choose between two rotten apples.

I was always sick as a kid. My parents were desperate. They’d try anything. So they got me a bunch of "guardian angels." Next thing I know, I'm set up and tossed into a horror game. Turns out, Medusa is my godmother. The ghost girl? My childhood playmate. And the final boss, a vampire? He's my fiancé. The first time we met, I was in a blind panic. I tripped and fell right onto his chiseled chest. "Oh—I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking—" I gasped, looking up at him. The words tumbled out in a rush. "And you're really handsome—but I didn't mean to fall on you! I have a heart condition!" The boss let out a laugh. He wiped the blood from his hands and swept me up into his arms. "Don't you worry," he purred, his voice dangerously smooth. "As your fiancé, I promise... I'll fix you right up."

In the fourth year of my secret crush on James, he sired me. It was only that night I realized the man I had been pining for wasn't just a regular gallery owner and businessman—he was a Vampire Prince. That was also the night I got pregnant with our son, Finn. But it's been six years since we forged our Blood Bond, and he has never publicly acknowledged our existence. He wouldn't even let Finn call him "Father." On Finn’s sixth birthday, he missed the party yet again, choosing to stay by his female assistant Elsa's side. He didn't return until the dead of night, offering a half-hearted, "Sorry, I'm late." This time, I didn't cry. I didn't argue. I calmly pulled out the bond dissolution papers and tricked him into signing them. Then, I took my son and fled back to the human world, vanishing from his life entirely. The usually cold, ruthless Prince lost his mind, turning the world upside down to find us. But this time, Finn and I are never looking back.

"Exploring Ari: Ariana Stephanopoulos has led a fairly quiet life—especially for a vampire—until she meets charming werewolf Jackson Marceski. The instant attraction between them is hotter than anything she’s ever experienced, so when Jack offers to fulfill her sexual fantasies, she can’t tell him no. Dani’s Demons: Bored with her life in Chicago, vampire Dani DuBois heads to Las Vegas for a little fun. Then she meets demons Kaz Elgin and Ty Cole. They decide to take care of Dani—together. Just For Jess: Vampire Jessamy Maitland is a classic workaholic, until her friends team up to buy her a weekend with the incredibly sexy vampire Dermott McMahon on his luxurious private island. Sporting Wood: What happens when a werewolf and a dryad meet in the forest at night? For Cooper and Kyla, the result is smoldering hot passion beyond anything they’ve ever known. Immortal Cravings is created by Cindy Spencer Pape, an EGlobal Creative Publishing signed author."

"Evelyn Vane. You conspired with the Fallen. You tried to murder Tania Swann, future Lady of the Nightfall Court. Today, your blood wakes the Blood Mirror. We will rip out your memories. We will seal your fate." In the ancient catacombs, the Blood Mirror cast a dark red halo in the candlelight. My former fated mate lounged on his black velvet throne. He was Valerius Cross, the noble Lord of the Nightfall Court. Those eyes used to look at me with love. Now, they held only disgust. "The Blood Mirror will show every betrayal you've committed against this Court. Our entire kind will see the monster hiding under that pretty skin!" Tania clung softly to Valerius's broad chest. She traced lazy circles on his skin. A sweet, smug smile played on her lips. She was so sure the mirror would condemn me tonight. She was so sure I'd burn to ashes. The rune-carved silver chains bit deep into my flesh. Black smoke hissed from my burns. Even so, I spoke. My voice was broken. "Valerius, are you sure about this? Do you really want my blood to show you my memories? Once it starts... none of you can turn back."

One vampire. One Vampire hunter. A forbidden bond. Isabelle Howell seems like your average everyday girl, but I'll let you in on a little secret. She's actually a Slayer and a very good one at that. She spends her nights tangling with the somewhat unsavoury supernaturals that roam the earth, feasting on innocents. Committed to her job and unknown hero to the average humans who walk around blissfully unaware. Isabelle is over the moon when she is given a high priority assignment, something she has waited for, for so long. The chance to prove she can handle herself, the chance to work her way up to the elite team and go on the really dangerous assignments. Her target, you ask? Cassius Lockwood. Powerful pureblood vampire. As handsome as he is cruel. The blood- fiend, well known for his merciless ways. His reputation doesn't put her off if anything she finds the challenge exciting. That is, however, until she has him (or who she thinks is him) cowering before her. At a time where she should be thrilled, it just isn’t right and what he says to her will haunt her for the rest of her days.

“You dare to think of another man in my presence?” The Alpha growled with a burning desire in his eyes. He glowered at Lavinia whose hands were tied. “What does that man have that I don’t? That filthy vampire, you think he’s going to save you?” His hands ran through her bare skin, sending shivers to her spine. “Please, leave me alone,” Lavinia begged in desperation. Tears welled up in her eyes. “Then be mine, Lavinia.” He leaned closer to her. His breath fanned her face. “I’ll make you the happiest woman alive.” Lavinia shook her head. She pursed her lips while watching the man in front of her. He may be a great man with power but her heart longed for someone else. “No. You’re not him… You’re not Sebastian.” "We had an unspoken deal: He gave me warmth, colors, and lies. In return, he asked for my blood when he's thirsty, my body when he's cold and my heart when he's bored. The funny part is, I still think it's quite a bargain." - Lavinia de Llava