LOGINI'm awake way earlier than I normally should be. And no, I'm not hungover. The last time I had anything alcoholic in my mouth was two days ago. I'm dressing up when my phone rings. It's Ria.
"Hey sweetie. What's up?" "I'm pre burnout so I need a shit ton of junk food. Let's eat out today." I try adjusting my tie, then totally give up on the idea of wearing one. "I'm sorry but I have things to do. You know, the news project and all." "Oh yeah. It was to start today. Quick question, have you done your own quota for it? Or are you going to steal the spotlight?." I cackle dramatically. "I am the spotlight okay? Also, I'm the presenter. And right now, this presenter has nothing to wear." My clothes are either tacky or not the right shade for the weather. I lay on my piles of clothes, sighing like the princess that I am. "I could lend you a skirt. Since you're being such a queen." As much as I love my best friend, I hate her sarcastic. She's annoying. I alone should be annoying. "I'll buy a few clothes then. Enjoy adding weight by yourself. Don't come ranting when you're fat as a panda. " "Anderson Gabriel Matheos! Where has your conscience gone? You're an asshole." I giggle and soon enough, she's giggling. It took a lot of effort for Ria to be happy with her body. A lot of effort and and even more tears. "I would've apologized, but I'm extremely busy. I have to get there early." "Bye. Enjoy yourself though." I end the call and am about to leave wearing whatever the fuck I have on when I check my phone. It's a message that makes me smile. Aside from Jesse's usual cheesy good morning text, I'm told my clothing is going to be handled by the makeup team. I'm even surprised there's a makeup team. I get on my bike and head to the prearranged meeting place. It's some kind of garden place in the Faculty of Arts. There are already people there when I arrive. "Hey, sorry I'm late." People raise their heads and as usual, I'm worshipped with their eyes . Some red haired guy hands me my script. I collect it, and skim through. I was already sent the virtual version, so I have an idea about what I'm to say. I assume. "If there's anything you'd like to change, we're here to listen and make corrections." I raise my head. There's someone smiling at me. Pretty plain faced if I must say. "It's fine." I pick the script, pretending like I was reading it and not bombarding my boyfriend with aggressively cute messages. "Really details the issues I guess." "Do you even know what the issues are about?" And next thing, this disturbance is sitting beside me. I continue pressing my phone, pretending like I am not the one being spoken to. I'm poked. "Did you hear what I said? The whole topic is very captivating if I must say. What was your favorite part? Did you-" I raise my hand up. He goes silent. "Why are you still talking to me? Go do some camera thing or something sweetie." There's a forced smile on my face. He looks at me somewhat offended. There's no reason for him to be though. "You could've been nicer about it though." He says and leaves. I decide to look back at the script. Nothing I can't handle. " It's time for your makeup and clothing." "Okay." I'm handed a navy blue suit. It doesn't fit my vibe at all. I wear it with minimal complaints. I don't want to seem rude or more annoyed than I already am. Vicky is on set too. Every once in a while, I catch him stealing glances at me. I even wink once and he gets flustred. "Are you okay with gel in your hair." I turn my attention to the person in front of me. I don't see her face because her boobs are right in mine. "Okay? I was born with gel in my hair." She giggles and applies a very generous amount of gel in my hair. My lips are tinted and very little eyeshadow is applied on my eyelids. I'm dressed and ready, but the camera crew isn't. They're still setting up and adjusting what concerns them. This time, I sit further away from the others. They're minding their businesses anyways. Well, all except one. The person whose eyes are trained on me right now. "Hey, can someone help me with my tie please? Knotting it is driving me insane." I'm still looking at Vicky wondering if he's going to respond to me. Some other girl, who was with him comes to me instead. "I'll help you. How do you want it?" Her hands are reaching for the tie on my neck, but I hold them. "Not you sweetie. Vicky, would you be a darling and help me with my tie?." His face colour turns crimson. The stares he's receiving doesn't make it any better. I motion him to come with my finger. Hesitantly, Vicky comes to take the position the girl is currently taking. She shifts for him, pretending like she isn't completely embarrassed. "So, you're here." He avoids eye contact, trying to focus solely on the tie. He's still getting flustered. "I spoke to you Andrez. When you're being spoken to, you respond." "Oh. S-sorry. Yeah. I'm here." "It's good to see you." My legs go in-between his and spread them apart. He widens his and almost falls on me. I can see him cringe, but I don't mind. I eat up his expression. "Spreading your legs makes you shy?" Things I love doing : making Vicky blush and making my boyfriend blush. I'm the man of the people. "They're people here." My hands crawl to his waist. They wrap around it delicately. Vicky's bottom lip is in his teeth, so I can tell he's loving this like I am. "Oh your problem is the people?" I take one of the fingers into my mouth. Vicky gasps and lets me go. He tries to move, but my hands are firm on his waist. "I can only imagine what we'd do if there were no people here." "Stop it Ander." I pull him even closer. He's always smelled delicate. Like fresh flowers or a baby. I take a waft of the cologne on his neck. "Oh the way you say my name. Imagine screaming it." That turns out to be his last straw, because he pushes me away. As Vicky goes back to his people, I can see his ears all red. "Camera crew is ready. Get into position Ander." I adjust my clothes and move to the desk kept for me. And like magic, everything I glanced over escapes my head. The camera is rolling and I'm trying not to look like an idiot. "Ander. You're supposed to start." "Oh," I choose to be oblivious. "I didn't know you'd started. Could I get the script again though. There's something there I'm not sure about." I'm handed the script, and instead of trying to understand their own words, I make use of mine. I mustn't say anything, and if I'm half bad, my charisma will make up for the rest. "Okay, 3,2,1... Action." A smile is plastered on my face as I start speaking. The dates may be wrong, but my smile is captivating. It's not like anybody is going to watch it. Just our professor. I'm ready to leave, but I'm asked to reshoot. It's acceptable after the third try. I change out of the suit and latch myself unto Vicky. "Shooting was a success. Let's go celebrate." "I have plans with Gideon already." "Really, that's sad. I was really expecting you'd fulfil your promise." "What promise?" I move closer to his ear to whisper, "What you'd let me do to you when there aren't people around." "You have a boyfriend Ander. Focus on him." The audacity of the little shart.I lied to Vicky when I said I was visiting my mother today. It's Angie I'm going to see. The drive to the cemetery feels insanely strange, not the usual level of strange. I shake off the feeling weighing my shoulders down, and go faster. Since I've quit drinking, instead of the usual bottle we share, I buy her flowers. Angie wasn't a huge fan of flowers, but she'll have to make do. The grass crunches under my feet as I make my way there, then I halt completely. I finally know what that uncomfortable feeling was. It's Archer staring down at my sister, quiet as a mouse. I'm about to throw a fit when I hear whimpering. I pause and not later, he breaks a sob. Archer stands there, crying his eyeballs out and I watch him like a creep. He deserves it honestly. He deserves to see what he actually did. I don't think he's ever come to visit our sister since she died 4 fucking years ago. "It's real isn't it." I didn't want to say anything, but I guess my mouth wasn't in on that idea. Archer
I wake up not dreading the day because Ander is by my side. I turn, moving closer to him and inhaling more of his scent. It's so intoxicating, it does nothing to help my morning wood. I can't do anything about it though because since I agreed to be his friend, Ander hasn't made a move on me sexually. Yes we cuddle and feed each other and can't get enough of the other's presence, but nothing sexual. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. Ander shifts in the bed too, turns to face me but isn't awake. I stare at his peaceful face. He never looks like this when he's awake, always has his face scrunched up like an unlubed butt plug was shoved in his ass for too long. I'm tempted to push the curls off his face and I do. Passing my fingers through in a faux attempt to untangle the strands. As much as I hate to admit it, Ander is the reason I'm on this bed right now. If not for him, I probably would be a rotting corpse in the bathtub. Sometimes I consider telling him this truth
If anybody were to call me a crazy person, I wouldn't fight them. Instead, I'd give them a trophy for telling the truth. I am a crazy person, and this realization is driving me even crazier. Why am I crazy? I'm crazy because I'm parked in the driveway of my girlfriend's house. Evana was the 3rd year film student I spilled my drink on when I was drunk off my ass at a party. Unlike the expected reaction, she apologized to me instead and sat with me till I sobered up. She's funny and interesting but I never liked her romantically. I still don't, but somehow it feels like there's this pressure on my shoulders to be perfect. I see Ander with his mood swings and tantrums — things that make him the dysfunctional person he is. But I can't be like that. I'm to be the better son. And the better son likes women. Evana comes out of the house in her usual clothing. A cottage skirt, shirt just a size smaller than hers and loafers. She's modest yet incredibly sexy and I should feel something for
I'm pacing the driveway, my fingernail in my mouth. I don't know, or rather, I know. Heck, what am I even saying?I stare at the keys in my hand. I want to go, but I shouldn't. He hates me, and I don't blame him. But I need to see him. It's an urge so strong my hair is standing like I've been electrocuted. Archer asked me where I was headed this morning and I told him to go fuck himself. His brows creased, not very glad my response was crude. But, it's not my fault. It's one of those days I can't get a single thought in my head. It's hyper fixating on Vicky. My brain that is. And no matter what I do, I can't get it to stop. It's like I'm buzzing so much I'm vibrating. "Are you alright?" My brother yells from the balcony. My balcony. My safe haven. I flip him off and gain enough motivation to get on my bike. I don't drive like a mad man like I normally do. Maybe if I drive slowly, by the time I get there, Vicky would've left for classes and I won't have to face him. Archer's apart
It's yet again the same routine. Wake up, lie in bed till my intestines threaten to rip into pieces then go downstairs. Archer has been feeding me, yes. But sometimes I just can't keep the food in. Last night was one of those times. I puked so much, it took my lungs a whooping 45 minutes to recover. And I tried taking a little whiskey to help with the nausea, but the ass wouldn't let me touch anything. I don't know why he bothers or why it bothers me. I always ask myself questions. Does he care? But I know he doesn't. It's so I'll keep his secret. Today's meal is the leftover pizza from last night. There's 3 slices on a plate, a fruit bowl and yoghurt waiting for my consumption. "There's no need. This isn't a very wise bribe." Archer doesn't answer me, but continues staring at the pizza in the microwave. I shrug and eat. My stomach twists, surprised by the intruders, but I force it down my throat. I felt like I was going to die last night. And honestly, I really don't like that fe
Oh my goodness. I'm awake again. It's not a good thing to dread it, but I do. I wake up starving and run to the kitchen for anything edible or closely related to food. Archer has had groceries sent to me twice so far, so there's a decent amount of ingredients to choose from. I snack on the unopened tube of Pringles before making a cereal then an omelette then some toast. I may be eating a lot, but don't look it. I'm still skinny and maybe even paler than I was before. Checking my class schedule, I have 3 classes today, the first one starting in about an hour. I could skip, like I've been skipping but it's about time I go back to living a normal life. Nothing about the last few months have been normal, and I'm trying to end the trend of crazy. I take a relaxing shower and apply my makeup. It's minimal, just to hide the eye bags and my droopy cheeks. After one last fit check, I leave. My taxi is waiting for me right on time but I get to the class a little late. The professor allows
It's like I'm in a steam room. My vision is blurry and I'm sweating intensely. Faintly, I can hear a child screaming. I don't know where exactly I'm going, but it doesn't stop my feet from moving. It feels like I get closer and closer to the sound. That's when I realize, it's not just any random ch
My phone is in my hands as I stare at it. The lecture ended a few minutes ago, but I can't get myself to stand up. I'm to visit Archer today. I don't really want to, but mom says I should. I can't be a disappointment at all things. My initial plan was to visit Marcus. Just drown myself in earthly
I can't tear my eyes away from either of them. I don't know what they're saying, but I feel like I shouldn't know. My head is spinning and I feel so nauseous. The level of attachment I have to Vicky is insane. Unhealthy too, but primarily insane. I call after Jesse as he goes upstairs. "Hey babe.
It's 11:47 am right now. I've been up since 5 a.m because of Jesse. Today is Ander's birthday and he's planned a huge surprise party. Ander as usual went out for a party. Jesse is a hindered percent sure he won't be conscious till noon, so we don't have to worry about interruptions. "Vicky, have y







