Certified Simp Novels & Stories

Even though my wife, Eunice Mercer, is afflicted with touch starvation, she never gets intimate with me over the five years of our marriage. I keep enduring her antics, but all I get in return is the sight of Eunice coming home with a little boy in her arms. "It's my fault for being allergic to you. Let me use this child to make it up to you." Two years later, when I'm about to settle some official paperwork for the child, I find out that his mother is actually Eunice. To make things worse, the staff member informs me that my copy of the marriage certificate is a fake. "Did you get swindled by someone? This is obviously a marriage certificate that's sold in stalls. You can buy a huge pack of them for just two dollars, you know." I hurry over to confront Eunice, only to overhear her conversation with her friends. "Dylan is finally coming back after all these years. That means you'll finally throw the wedding that's been delayed by five years, right? Otherwise, Jayden will seriously think that he's the master of the Mercer family." As Eunice toys with the certified copy of marriage certificate, she says with a light sigh, "Dylan has a rather unique job that requires him to leave for five years. Naturally, I need to find someone who can take care of the child and me. Jayden fits the bill just fine. "Then again, I still have to sell his chastity. That way, Dylan will truly believe that I've never slept with Jayden before." I can only clench my fists tightly as I feel my eyes reddening. Then, I flip through the messages in my phone helplessly. That woman who has always wanted to become my mistress finally has a chance to pursue me.

Felix Lindsey, the boyfriend of my childhood friend, Celine Fletcher, will be visiting her home for the very first time. I help Celine out by preparing a nice feast for the occasion. But Felix merely glances at the garlic butter shrimps before flying into a fit of rage. "You cooked food that I'm allergic to on purpose in hopes that I'll embarrass myself in front of Celine and her family! You'll definitely drag my name through the mud on purpose afterward so that you can replace me as her boyfriend, right? "Stop dreaming already! If Celine had feelings for you from the start, I wouldn't be in the picture right now!" With a perplexed look, I quickly explain to Felix that Celine's mom has hurt her leg, so she specifically called me here to help out with the cooking. Also, I already have a fiancee of my own, so I'm not interested in Celine in the slightest. But Felix just chuckles coldly at me. "Stop playing hard to get. I can tell who's a simp at first glance. You often cling to Celine under the guise of being her childhood friend. How utterly disgusting! "Why don't you take a look at yourself in the mirror? That way, you'll see how old and ugly you are! Who on earth will ever have her sights on you? Only a blind woman will ever fall for you!" Celine holds back her laughter the whole time. Just as I'm about to lash out at Felix with clenched fists, she has the audacity to hug him while looking very haughty. "My boyfriend has a really sharp tongue, doesn't he? Finally, there exists someone whose verbal firepower exceeds yours! I'd like to see if you have the guts to bully me ever again!" As I stare at Celine's nonchalant expression, I don't hesitate to deliver a heavy slap across her cheek. "Get the hell away from me! Both you and your boyfriend don't even have the right to speak to me!"

Rule one of surviving a werewolf rejection: don't look back. Rule two: definitely don't move into an apartment directly below his human ex-girlfriend. Rule three: under no circumstances allow him to follow you to the human world. I have broken all three rules in under a month. My name is Zoya Fennel, and five weeks ago, Casen Wolfe — Alpha of the Silveroak Pack, certified heartbreaker, and the most beautiful man the Moon Goddess ever put together on a Thursday — stood at the end of the aisle during our bonding ceremony and said, in front of everyone I have ever loved: "She is not my true mate. I reject the bond." And just like that, the life I'd been planning since I was sixteen years old dissolved in front of three hundred witnesses and one very startled officiant. So I did what any self-respecting, moderately devastated she-wolf would do. I walked out. I moved to the city. I got a frankly excellent apartment with a fire escape view and a coffee shop downstairs. I started living my life. What I did not plan for was discovering — three weeks later, via a very confused text from my sister — that Casen has left the pack, abandoned his Alpha title, moved to the same city, and is currently standing outside my building in the rain. He says he made a mistake. He says the woman he thought was his true mate turned out to be nothing of the sort. He says he's been going out of his mind since the rejection ceremony because the bond he severed — the one he publicly destroyed — is the only one he's ever felt. I say: that sounds like a you problem. Except then he gets a job at the coffee shop downstairs.

Dad is famous for being a total simp over Mom in the elite society. Naturally, he views Callie Archer, the stepdaughter whom Mom has brought with her, as his own. But Callie is afflicted with a severe case of walking phobia. Her feet couldn't touch the ground at all. Only when she's stepping on my back can she roam around in the house freely. So, whenever Callie looks in a certain direction, Mom will press my head down and force me to crawl toward Callie to serve as her doormat. The doctor issues a warning to my family that my spine is severely contorted. So when Callie wants to admire the flowers in the yard while wearing a pair of spiked shoes again, I can't endure the pain anymore, so I shiver slightly out of instinct. Callie ends up losing her balance and falling to the ground. She bawls like a baby afterward. Mom rushes over immediately before kicking me in the gut, her high heel lodging into my flesh. "It's extremely rare for Callie to be willing to leave the house! Why must you ruin her mood? Can't you just be more understanding and play your role as a doormat for the sake of your sister's illness?" Meanwhile, Dad scoops Callie into his arms, his heart bleeding for her plight. He coaxes her gently, telling her that he'll buy her new dresses later. I can only curl up on the ground while hacking up blood. But Dad just thinks I'm playing the pity card. He commands his men to throw me into the basement. Apparently, I can only be released once I've learned to stay stationary when I'm supporting Callie. As I clutch my broken ribs, I feel my tears flowing down my face as well as the blood from my injuries. I'm sorry, Dad. Next time, I will definitely not move a muscle, just like a corpse.

When I was born, I was already a certified liar. That's a fact that everyone seems to agree with. The truth is, my mom, who's a scientist, has implanted advanced chips into me and my fraternal twin brother, Ryan Hartwell, when we were still babies. By right, as long as we lie or make mistakes, our mom will receive the devil signal from the chips. Then, she'll administer electrical shocks as a form of punishment. Ryan's chip often transmits the smiley signal. Even if he destroys our mom's research equipment and pins the blame on me, his chip still has the smiley branded on it. Meanwhile, when I reach home ten minutes later than usual because I had to help out a classmate, my chip transmits the scary devil signal. The next thing I know, I've already crippled to the floor from the intense pain caused by the electrical shock. At first, I'll still explain to Mom what happened. But she often exclaims, "Don't think you can pull off clever little tricks just like that gambling father of yours! The chip is ten thousands times smarter than you! The punishments will only be branded into your bones if the pain is searing enough! What I'm doing is saving your life!" After suffering from the pain countless times, I get brainwashed into thinking that I really am a liar and a troublemaker by nature. On the night of Christmas Eve, Mom comes to the attic to tell Ryan to join the family at the table for the Christmas dinner. That's when my asthma suddenly acts up, causing me to stumble and fall to the floor. "I… I can't breathe… Save me, Mom…" But Mom just coldly gazes at the devil signal that she has just received on her phone. Then, she dials the shock value to the maximum. "You don't have asthma at all! Ugh, you're kicking up another fuss just to attract attention! Seriously, you never change your ways!" After that, she takes Ryan's hand and leads him out of the attic. Soon, she slams the door heavily behind her. As I suffer from asphyxiation while on my deathbed, I can't help but think that Mom is right. After all, my chip has just transmitted the devil signal. Maybe the asthma attack really is just a figment of my imagination. I've always been a bad girl who loves lying to others, after all. When Mom finds out that this is the last time I've ever lied to her, she must be really happy, right?